my dis-contentedness is showing 


In church our pastor told us that he has heard some people say they don’t know how selfish they are until they had kids. New seasons and situations in life can expose parts of us we never saw. Engagement has exposed a new emotion: discontent. It is good for me to realize and pray through it so I can give it to God and have Him help me let go of it. 
Engagement is such an in-between time! Planning our future life and future apartment yet still living apart. Still  being two people as we prepare to become one. It’s intermin, longing, and a looming to-do list (in my opinion). 

My friend (who married last summer) just so happened to text me last month and wish me a happy and joyful engagement. I told her thank you, and that I was discontent, and that she must know how it feels. She did understand what I was feeling, but she told me to do the work to fight for contentment, because even once married I’ll just become discontent for the next thing. Such wise truth. 

Basically, discontentment is a scary emotion/thought to have. Because, it doesn’t stay where it is, it leads to more discontent in more areas of your life. 
I cannot wish this season away. My matron of honor sent me a card to encourage me in my contentment too. This is the time to still live in my tiny three-bedroom apartment on Sheridan. This is the time for Sanjay to drive me home in his CRV every single night. This is the time to sleep on coral sheets and my teal blanket with my owl pillow. This is the time to have all this space to myself before living in a one-bedroom aperment with my future husband. This is the time to coordinate, plan, email, schedule, and pin. This is engagement. 

So Sanjay and I pray to be present and guard our minds and hearts to not daydream into marriage. This is the season to keep learning more about each other, and keep growing closer to each other and our God (which won’t stop when we are married!). 

Paul reminded the Phillipians this same thing. He told them not to worry and to be content in all circumstances–

“Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! 5 Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. 6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

8 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. 9 Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.

10 I rejoiced greatly in the Lord that at last you renewed your concern for me. Indeed, you were concerned, but you had no opportunity to show it. 11 I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. 12 I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. 13 I can do all this through him who gives me strength.”

Lord, thank you for what this waiting season is all about– a future marriage of two broken sinners to commit to a love only possibly by you, to glorify you and point each other to you. Thank you for creating marriage and for our future grey bohemian wedding! 

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