messy and wonderful

Today; right now; is both messy and wonderful. Today at work my body felt so tired and worn, and I realized I needed a little refresher from my neuroscience and cardiopulmonary notes. Yet I laughed with patients, one patient told me she thought I was strong, and I saw little tiny babies in the NICU. Both a little messy and wonderful.

My dear friend Erica and I are both dealing with a little bit of conflict and tension and feeling hurt from other’s words. We both asked out loud why and how and what did I do to cause that and what do I do now? But as we talked we sat in a group of three in Starbucks and spoke openly and honestly and said me too and prayed, with the new fall cups, and for those seconds all was okay. Because God shows up. Again, messy and wonderful. I caught up with the lovely Jackie last night and we shared prayer requests from Chi to MN, and my request was for identity in Christ, and Jackie said “That’s been a request of yours for a while, huh?”. Yes, yes it has! I’ve been working on it, and praying about it, and it comes and goes and its a sanctifying thing. I was talking with another friend from group about a similar thing and she was like “Yea you’ve been struggling with that thought-process for a while”. Truth! Light! Wonderful! Honesty is both messy and wonderful. Thankful for things that are messy and thankful for things that are wonderful. Because Christ dwells in both. I am realizing that I am very hard on myself, and I am hyper-aware of all the things I should or shouldn’t be doing. I should: study more, sleep more, call home more, sit still more, be social more, cook more, eat healthier, and on and on and on. I shouldn’t worry so much what others think, stress about this, feel this way, think that way, and on and on and on. I think my brain can spin in circles about such things. There is always a long list of things for me to do. The danger in this is that in reality enough is never enough, more always warrants more. A friend told me recently that if I start thinking I am not enough, then whatever I do, no matter how much I do, will.. still.. never.. be.. enough. The evil one wants us to think we are not enough, so that we doubt ourselves. This means we put our worth, our identity, our comfort, in our works, our flesh, as described all throughout Galatians. But guess what? Putting our security in our works (how I perform at work, how far I run, how many people I please, how I look) will alienate us from Christ. It consumes and separates our minds away from Jesus. Jesus will always be enough. He is steadfast and all-consuming and righteous and perfect. We are broken and messy and sinners and He knows and loves us deeply. I cannot think of anything more beautiful than that. It should only matter that God loves us. We are to be so secure in how much we are loved and known and His that we just skip through our days living loved and loving others bravely. We don’t. I don’t. But it is something to think about, pray about, and seek out. May I know the immeasurable greatness of his power. 


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