Last Sunday our pastor spoke on Matthew 6, and about not being self-righteous and prideful. After the service, Allison my friend from Hope, drove me home and we talked about what it meant and how we were convicted of it. We ended our night in prayer and I skipped up to my room and started my week. This week was humbling.
I failed. Well, I safety-failed, which means that I did not maintain a safety precaution in my practical with my fake-patient, so I got an automatic safety-fail, which I have to self-assess about, write about, and redo my practical to demonstrate that I can be safe. But my grade doesn’t change. I was upset and sad and mad at myself and worried about my grade in the class and overall GPA. I told my mom and my best friend Emily. Emily told me that she was mad for me, and I felt her pity and compassion through the text. At my workout class I felt exhausted and weak, and being mentally defeated became being physically defeated. But then I stepped outside to run home, and the sky was clear, with stars. So I knew God was there and present and I felt a teensy bit better. Then my mom wanted me to further explain why shoes were even needed, and she prayed for me over the phone before bed and I felt some sort of peace through such deep feelings of sadness. Hard to explain, but I was grateful. I fell asleep to 10,000 reasons and woke up with my mind renewed in Him, among still feeling dumb.
That morning in lab my lab partner asked how we all did on the practical. I told them I failed, and my tone of voice and facial expression portrayed my defeat. Then, they pulled me up, and held me up, and pushed me out of discouragement. They told me they would have too, and that “they only remembered shoes because they were hot pink”. Then, it turned to confessions of bad grades and laughing about them. I felt supported and encouraged and my soul was filled. Then they gave me the mask and bone saw and told me to saw the back of the skull off. (Sorry if that grossed anyone out). Thankful for support of others, and being able to be vulnerable and real and allow yourself to lean. In our broken, scared, hurting selves is when we need the Lord the most. The Lord took my weak spirit and nudged my heart, turned it towards Him, and filled it, with love and support and comfort and strength. When I am weak, He is strong. In what I forget, He remembers. When I am tired, He is energized. When I am selfish, He is selfless. So tonight I am thankful for how God nudges my heart, and for how he humbled me this week. Praying for more of Him and less of me, and so thankful for the ways in situations in which He shows up. This week He showed up in my thoughts and prayers and in email chains across the globe; in over-the-phone prayers and texts; in the stars; and in anatomy lab.
One last thing. Today my emerald city really was the emerald city. They dyed the river green for St. Patrick’s Day. Virginia and Becca visited from Michigan, and Nessa and I met them at Grand Lux for a mimosa before we skipped to the river. So great to spend some time with them as a study break. Notice the sun, the blue sky, the lack of snow, the emerald water, some sweet SIB loves.