Okay so remember I said I had a breakdown Saturday before finals week? Well this was what I wrote and saved as a draft. It is real and shows my true feelings:
(Saturday, December 5) “Warning this blog post is my defeated self blogging. My close friend of mine recently asked me how my emerald city was. I forgot it was my emerald city. Thanksgiving break I didn’t want to come back to this place, because it began to feel like a tiny cold apartment, a never ending confusion with physiology, and having no time. I hate that it feels that way. I’ve gotten into a kind of funk about pt school. I kind of hate it. But that’s not really true. I’m sick of never excelling. I seem to walk out of every test or practical thinking I forgot to do that or I was foggy on that concept, oops.
I could not be doing pt school without the support of my close family and friends. My mom texted me this week saying isn’t it comforting to know that God is with us everyday every moment. I didn’t agree or feel that. I don’t. I have those moments of negativity and defeating thoughts. Those are bad and detrimental. But then I talk to a friend or a cousin or my mom, and they cheer me on and pray for me. Or my classmates who are becoming my friends ask me how I’m really doing, or they explain something to me, or we just find ourselves laughing, and everything is okay. It’s been a pattern like that for the last month or so, being tired, but renewed in Christ. I’ve been blogging about this, this up and down, being worn and filled, and nothing has seemed to change or get better. I feel like its gotten worse. My blogging positive self tries to wrap up each week and see what wore me and what filled me, but then next week I may be even more worn.
PT school, I’m sorry that I said I kind of hated you. I don’t hate you, I hate how you make me feel. I like you, especially in kinesiology lab, or when we find things in anatomy lab, or when physiology randomly clicks (about once a month). I do love what I am learning, I swear I do. But somewhere in the busyness and Bs and feeling inadequate way too much, I have become very worn. I don’t know what to do. I’m hoping next semester will be different, in a good and positive way.”
So yikes. I was so defeated, as I was a lot. But then Sunday all was better. Same circumstance with finals looming ahead of me, but different heart because it had less stress and worries and more peace and understanding. Less me, more Jesus is the way to have my heart and is the way to live. Somewhere between praying for friends and trudging through snow to get to church and meeting a classmate there and singing my favorite worship songs, my heart was full. Because classes will never stop being hard, but my heart can always be turned more towards The Lord.
Now I’m home. Finals week went great! Turned into a studying zombie of non-stop studying, but it was worth it. I finished up strong on Friday, and then my classmates and I took over the bars with our ugly sweaters and danced all night. Saturday Virginia and I went to see Zoo Lights (it was magical), and Sunday I woke up early and dragged my suitcase to the MegaBus to go see Em and Aus. We sat in a blanket and talked for majority of the 26 hours I was there. I also took an hour nap and slept eleven hours that night. It is clear the type of week I had. It was so great to be back with Em. We ended my trip reading through 1 John 3 and praying for all that we were lost on and confused on. So so grateful. Now that I am home, I have already seen my cousins and friends multiple times, and have been sleeping in until 11 daily. It’s a wonderful thing. My house is decked out for Christmas. So many lights and bows and red, and I love it. My mom worked hard to make this Christmas special in so many ways.
I was library-trapped all week. But– it was snowy outside and I was with friends, learning about my favorite things, so it wasn’t all bad.
Thoughts for the week from Lillian: I laughed at how it says “fail” instead of “fall”.
Panera studying with Kristin. Red velvet crinkle cookies.
Post-exams ugly sweater party and dancing.
Zoo lights at Lincoln Park Zoo with Virginia! Such a filling day to be with her! I love Christmas lights.
Cousin time, all of us around the table.